Clouds of Uncertainty
by sm16157
Summary: Kotone Aramaki is the lieutenant of Squad Five, and has grown quite close to her captain, Sosuke Aizen. However, when Momo Hinamori joins her squad, will envy take over Kotone's actions? AizenXOC Please read and review!


Momo Hinamori was the new girl in our squad. Oddly perfect, she strolled in with a cheery smile, her cheeks dusted with a flattered rosy blush, her shoulders caving in meekly whenever someone walked by. I was sitting at my desk, organizing some files, when she first walked in, a wide-eyed look on her face as she took in the reality of joining Captain Aizen's squad.

"Is this Captain Ai-Aizen's office?" she peeped nervously.

I set my papers down and pushed them aside. "It is." I studied her face. "Are you a new squad member?" She nodded. I stood up. "I'm the lieutenant of squad five, my name is Kotone Arakaki. It's nice to meet you."

"It's an h-honor to meet you, Lieutenant Arakaki!" She bowed quickly and sharply. "I'm Momo Hinamori, reporting for duty!"

"Well, Momo, welcome to Squad Five. I'll have someone show you around, and we'll have a little initiation party later for everyone who joined. We have ten people coming in straight after graduating the academy, right?"

"Um… yes! I believe so!" She smiled happily.

"Any of your friends?"

She nodded and continued beaming. "Yes! Renji Abarai and Izuru Kira! But I'm sure I'll also make lots of new ones!"

I couldn't help but grin a little. "Good attitude you've got there. It'll take you really far in the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. Keep it up." One of my underlings appeared in the doorway and kneeled respectfully. "Alright, Komatsu, show Miss Hinamori around, please."

"Yes, ma'am!"

He rose and beckoned Hinamori over to follow him. She took one last look at the office, searching for something, it seemed, and disappeared into the bright sunlight outside. As I returned to my seat, gingerly picking up the paper, I heard the soft hiss of the door sliding open again. I glanced up to see my captain, hair tousled, glasses askew, entering the office and easing into his chair.

"Good morning, Captain," I greeted with an understanding smile.

"Good morning, Kotone," he sighed in his gentle, raspy voice.

"Another sleepless night, Captain?"

"I told you, Kotone, call me Sosuke."

Tiny pinpricks of heat tickled my cheeks, and I hid my face with my work. "Right," I said, flustered. "I keep forgetting."

"Was that Momo Hinamori who was just in here?"

"It was. How'd you know?"

"I recruited her myself."

"Oh, that's right." I shoved some files in a drawer. "Is she the kido one?"

"Yes."

"She'll make a great addition to the squad, then." I got up and set a sizable stack of paperwork on his desk, sliding my fingers along the polish wood, my fingertips dancing close to my captain's. "These came in from Squad Six this morning and they need to be signed by tomorrow evening."

He flipped through them, scanning the pages. "I will do that." He pushed them aside, lifting his head to look at me. "And how are you this morning, Kotone?" His fingers played mischievously with mine.

"Fine, as usual," I replied bashfully, feeling my cheeks burn red as I spoke.

"Hmmm…" His brown eyes bored into me. "I say, you and I should go for a walk before the other recruits get here."

"Whatever you like, Captain."

"Sosuke," he purred before standing up and straightening out his captain's coat.

I blushed again, scolding myself for forgetting, even with constant reminders. The leaves outside whispered in the wind as we stepped out into the glare of the Seireitei sun, the wood of the ledge squeaking quietly as I stepped aside to let my captain pass me. As soon as he got three paces ahead of me, I followed behind him as respectfully as a lieutenant should. Female squad members giggled as Aizen walked by, exclaiming hi-pitched good mornings and scurrying off into little corners, giving me envious glares as the Captain's coat would occasionally brush my toes. I grinned, enjoying the jealousy aimed towards me. Then, she showed up.

"Ah, Momo!" my captain greeted her, giving her a warm smile and a friendly ruffle on the head.

From my position, their voices were muffled as they spoke; I could only hear murmurs and mumbles as Hinamori beamed and my captain engaged her in more conversation than I'd ever had with him in my entire life. I awkwardly leaned against the wooden support, gazing at the plum blossoms, trying to appear as if I wasn't just my captain's clingy little dog, like I was my own person with my own thoughts and ideas. But they didn't see me, of course they didn't. Soon enough, their conversation ended, and Hinamori happily skipped by me, her joy shrouding her in oblivion. My captain kept walking, not even calling my name to get my attention, as if he couldn't care less that I was daydreaming by plum blossoms and he might lose me forever.

….

"Welcome, new recruits!"

Confetti popped into the air, dancing around us like snow before nestling in my hair. The hall exploded with applause and cheering as the ten newbies dispersed into the crowd, receiving congratulations and welcomes. I was among the first to be greeted by the newbies, and all of them expressed their sense of honor to meet such a fantastic lieutenant. Flattered, I kindly welcomed all of them, eager to get to know each of them and help them hone their power. Among the most striking of them was the tall, bright-haired Renji Abarai. He possessed such energy and excitement, I couldn't help but laugh and smile as we talked.

"Man, I can't believe I made it! That'll show them all!" He grinned freely, shaking his fist avidly.

"Really, congratulations! I hear Captain Aizen hand-picked you himself! You must be incredible!"

He blushed. "Nah," he said modestly, scratching the back of his head, though I could tell he was quite proud.

"Here, have some sake," I offered, grabbing a bottle off the refreshment table.

"Thanks!" He held his drinking cup.

The liquid trickled into the shallow basin of the cup as I poured him some before myself. "Cheers." I raised the glass.

He mimicked the action and downed the drink. "So… you're Kotone, right?"

"That's Lieutenant Arakaki to you," I said, half-serious.

"Right." He smiled. "Nice to meet you. I'll be seeing you soon." He vanished into the mess of people.

A deeper, more familiar voice settled into the din of the party. "Are you having a good time, Kotone?"

I turned to face my captain, who was smiling as normal, the light glinting off the lenses of his glasses. "As much fun as I'll ever have at a party." I set the sake bottle down, tossing my cup aside.

"Ah, that's right. You aren't much of a partier, are you?" A light smile tugged at one end of his lips.

"Not at all. What about you, Captain? Are you having a good time?"

He sighed playfully. "How many times must I tell you, Kotone?" He leaned in closer. "Call me Sosuke."

The gentle hiss of his name sent shudders through my body. Though I had never told anyone and never intended to, I was quite fond of my captain for some time now, though I never had the courage to tell him. Judging by his actions, I figured he was interested in me as well, but somehow, we never brought it up, and so our relationship remained nothing more than playful, flirty yet thin and unsatisfying.

"Would you like some sake, Sosuke?" I invited, trying to suppress my embarrassment.

"No thank you. I need to do some serious thinking tonight, and I don't think sake will aid me."

I nodded in understanding, decided against asking what he was going to think about. A silent, yet appreciative gaze passed between us, one that only a subordinate and his or her superior could share and understand. However, it was broken sooner than usual when he spotted Momo Hinamori out of the corner of his eye.

"Please excuse me."

And he was gone with the swish of his coat.

….

"Captain, I can't help but notice," I said one day, almost a year after Momo Hinamori appeared in Squad Five, "you're taking a real liking to Hinamori." I stretched out onto the couch, picking up the bento I had prepared for myself that morning.

Aizen popped off the lid of his bento, one that he requested I make for him every once in a while, since he thought I was a good cook. "You think so?" I noticed he didn't correct me.

"Well, you talk to her a lot." I gingerly laid a pinch of rice on my tongue, savoring the taste as my lips closed.

"I suppose I do."

"So what is it? What do you guys talk about?"

"Many things. Kido, the weather, people. Things like that."

I raised an eyebrow. "People?"

"It's not gossip, as you might think. I feel that Momo really trusts me, so she often comes to me for advice on even her personal life, such as friendships and things like that."

"Oh."

"She's a nice girl, Kotone. Perhaps you should get to know her."

I laughed curtly. "You know me, Captain, I'm not really a social girl."

"You're close with Renji, aren't you?"

I shrugged. "We're friends, sure."

"Now that's social, isn't it?"

"How do you like the bento?" I asked, switching topics.

He gave me a knowing look, an eyebrow arched, however he went on and replied, "It's exquisite, thank you."

"I'll have to come up with some new recipes soon. I don't want you to get bored."

"I don't think I'll ever get bored with your cooking."

"We'll see." I finished my food and stored the container in my bag. "May I have some time to wander about? I'll be back by one."

Aizen glanced at the clock. "Alright. Be good." He winked.

I flushed and went outside, scouring the barracks for Renji. He wasn't hard to spot, what with his bright red hair and flashy tattoos. "Hey, Renji!"

"Kotone!" He waved. "Whatcha doing?"

"Just taking a break, you?"

"Same."

"So how's Squad Five treating you? You've had some time to get used to it now, so how do you like it?"

"It's great! I can't wait to go on my first hollow extermination mission!"

"Oh! When's that?"

"Next week."

"Awesome!" I paused. "Hey, can I ask you some advice? You have to promise not to tell, though. It's really personal."

He fidgeted slightly, as if mentally shifting gears from casual talk to serious. "Sure, ask away. I won't tell."

I looked down, playing with my fingers nervously before blurting, "I'm in love. With a man. I have been for a long time, but I'm not sure how to tell him."

His initial shock lasted for about ten seconds before he answered. "Well that depends on the guy. Who is it?"

I could feel the blood pulsing through my cheeks, lighting my face up like a scarlet fire. "It's Captain Aizen."

Renji grinned like an idiot. "I knew it! I called it from the beginning!"

"Yeah, yeah, so help me out here. I'm just afraid that if he doesn't feel the same way, it will ruin our captain-lieutenant relationship and compromise our work."

"Hmmm…" He put on an unusually serious face, thinking for a few minutes. "You know what? Just tell him straight up! You guys know each other well enough not to feel awkward if he doesn't feel the same way. Captain Aizen's one of the nicest guys I know! He won't break your heart like most jerks out there."

"You're right. Thanks Renji!"

"It's what friends are for, right?" He smiled. "Now go get him, Kotone! He won't wait forever!"

I laughed. "Yeah, yeah. Thanks again!"

I hurried back to the office, heart pounding. I returned to what was now a common sight: Captain Aizen engaged in lively conversation with Momo Hinamori, who stood politely in front of his desk as they conversed. Not wanting to disturb them, I took a seat at my own desk, pulling out some work I had put off from yesterday and silently got to work.

"Oh, Lieutenant Arakaki!" Hinamori bowed. "Good afternoon."

"Afternoon." I kept my eyes on my work.

"I should really go," she said, "it's good to see you again, Lieutenant! Have a nice afternoon, Captain!" She bowed again and scampered out of the office.

I glanced up at my captain, whose eyes met mine at the exact same time. I couldn't read them, the emotion he hid behind his sakura-bark irises, so I looked back down in partial annoyance and partial heartbreak.

….

"Lieutenant Arakaki, this is a messenger from Squad One!"

Groggily, I pushed off the covers and trudged to the door, sliding it open just enough for me to peek outside. "What is it?" I groaned.

He handed me a small envelope. "Please read this immediately and report to Captain Aizen."

"Sure. Bye."

I slammed the door shut and tore open the envelope, sliding out the brief letter. As I scanned over it with blurry morning eyes, every word stabbed my stomach like a blade. Momo Hinamori was the new lieutenant of Squad Five, and I had been transferred to Squad Eight. Squad Eight. The lazy squad, the one that had a drunk for a captain and a control freak of a lieutenant. I knew that it was never the right place for me, but that fact was pushed aside for the one that my own captain, one that I thought trusted me with everything, chose Hinamori, who had only been here for two years, to replace me all of a sudden. Rage flooded my body as I threw on my clothes and ran to my captain's office, hoping that Hinamori wasn't there so that I could have a personal word with him.

Throwing open the door, I shouted, "Sosuke," purposefully using his first name, "I don't want to leave because I-"

I stopped suddenly at the sight of his new lieutenant embracing him tightly, a warm smile on her face, and a matching one on his. I froze. I hadn't told him how I felt yet, as I had been too busy and too nervous, but if I was to go to Squad Eight today, I would never get the chance.

Hinamori turned bright red. "O-Oh, Lieutenant!" she cried nervously, brushing herself off.

"You little bitch!" I screamed, my body acting before I could think as I drew my zanpakuto.

Her eyes widened, terrified, as she put her hands up. "L-Lieutenant, please stop!"

"Savor, Tsumetai shunkan!" I called out the name of my blade, and everything slowed, almost frozen, as if everyone had been place in a capsule where time had no meaning.

I charged towards her, plunging my blade through her gut, the bloody squirting from the wound slowly, floating through the air like bubbles children would blow. The injury would not be fatal, I didn't want it to be. I just wanted my shikai, my precious zanpakuto, to slow down this moment for me, so that I could savor the rarity of the thrill of fighting, but this time, more like the feel of my envy finally being ripped out and sent through my blade. I could almost see it passing from my sweaty hands into her body and disappearing as if it had never existed. I reveled in the moment where I was free from its grip, where now, I had gotten my revenge; I didn't have to be angry anymore. As I returned my blade to its sheathe, we were freed from its power, and screams filled the air. Hinamori collapsed to the ground in a pool of her own blood, Aizen just staring at her, gaping, then looking at me. It shocked me to see that his eyes were not surprised at all, as if he was expecting this. Before I could say anything about it, my arms were harshly twisted behind my back by the punishment force, here to take me to prison for unlawful use of the zanpakuto. I complied with them without a fuss, taking one last look at the office I had called home for forty years and the captain I had been in love with for the same amount of time.

….

"Kotone."

I raised my head from my knees, huddled up in a cold corner of the cell and saw Sosuke Aizen entering the room, mysteriously locking the door behind him.

"Captain."

He slid the key into the lock of the cell and slid the bars open, entering and sitting next to me.

"What do you want?" I mumbled.

"I wanted to talk to you."

"About?"

"Today."

I sighed and rested my chin on my kneecaps. His large hand placed itself on my back, rubbing up and down.

"I'm sorry that you're upset about the sudden transfer."

"You should have told me first," I said angrily.

"Ah, no, I don't think so. See, I had my reasons. I knew you would get this angry and hurt Momo like that. I knew that when you did, you wouldn't be so envious anymore after you let it all out. So that was my primary reasoning for not telling you. It was for your own sake. The second was that you're such a good officer that no captain would want you discharged from the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. You would be demoted, certainly, but I will offer to take you into my squad again, and that way, we could stay together."

"But why Hinamori? Do you like her more than you like me? Tell me the truth."

"I don't actually. But I feel that she will grow once she becomes lieutenant, which will be after she recovers, of course."

I remained silent.

"And," he continued, more quietly now, almost a whisper. "if you think that she and I have a 'thing,' you would be wrong."

I raised my eyebrow, not saying anything.

"I know why you're envious, Kotone. It's because you have feelings toward me, am I right?"

I blushed and buried my head in my arms. He chuckled and twirled a strand of my hair around his finger.

"I thought so," he said.

"It doesn't matter," I replied, my voice muffled by my knees. "I bet you don't feel the same way."

"You would be wrong."

I lifted my head.

"You're so smart, Kotone. And you're very independent. You have such a bright personality, and I love the way you light up every time something interests you, and the way you dive into new topics without fear. You're a strong, intelligent, witty warrior with looks to match your lovely personality. I've been meaning to tell you for a while, but I suppose I was a little nervous as well."

A smile tugged at my lips.

"So if I were you, I would think that Momo should be jealous, not the other way around." He gently wrapped his long fingers around my hand.

"Th-thank you, Sosuke."

"Ah, you finally remembered."

He smiled, kissing my cheek, once, twice, then down to my lips. I tensed at first, but then relaxed, melting into the moment as he pulled me closer and I ran my fingers through the soft brown tresses of his hair. He smoothly removed his glasses and continued kissing me, with love and passion I had never experienced before. As the night went on, we went further and further, exposing our deepest insecurities only to have them pushed away by the other. Needless to say, the situation became very intimate, and I was very uneasy at first, but Sosuke's gentleness eased my fears, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. He slept over that night, draping his captain's coat over my body as my eyes fluttered close.

"Kotone," he whispered as sleep began to wind its fingers around me, "I love you more than anything. Remember that nothing can separate us, and in our deepest despairs, we will find each other."

I dreamed about nothing, but somehow, that flooded me with relief.

….

As I expected, he had disappeared by the next morning, leaving his coat over me. I rubbed my eyes when Renji walked in, a solemn expression on his face.

"Renji? What is it?"

"It's Captain Aizen," he said quietly. "He was murdered."

My heart banged against my chest. "What…?"

"He's dead, Kotone."

I couldn't believe it. I tugged the coat over my shoulders, the new knowledge that its owner was gone settling in on me like an ocean pressing down on my head. Tears never had the chance to make their way to my eyes, shock blocking their path. He was gone. Sosuke…

"Excuse me, Abarai," a serious squad member barged in, "but Miss Arakaki is to be taken to the Central 46 for trial immediately." He glanced at the coat around my shoulders. "Where did you get that?" he asked, probably suspecting me of killing Aizen.

"The Captain came to visit me last night," I muttered.

He let out a "hmph" and unlocked my cell. I stood shakily, almost stumbling as I stepped out. I looked at Renji before following the squad member to the decisive trial. I stood at the door to the underground meeting place, and it unlocked itself. I waited for the squad member to step in before me, but he said I had to go in alone. Swallowing my fear, I tentatively walked inside, the doors slamming shut behind me. I could hardly see in the dark place, so I stood still, waiting for someone to come and collect me.

"Ah, there you are, Kotone."

My eyes widened. "It can't be…."

"You thought I was dead?" Sosuke flipped on the lights.

"That's what they told me."

"As I expected."

"How are you alive? What are you doing here? Where's the Central 46?"

"Follow me."

He grabbed my hand and pulled me to their chambers, where the entire assembly lay dead on their desks, blood dripping from the ledges, their eyes still open. I covered my nose and gagged.

"S-Sosuke," I whispered. "Did you do this…?"

"I did. Does it upset you?"

"Just… why?"

He pulled off his glasses, his eyes scanning the bodies. "Why?" he mused. "I'll tell you why."

He continued to spew a long, complicated plan about becoming the king of the universe with the help of some hollows turned soul reapers and many other things I had a difficulty understanding. Blocking me from comprehending was my absolute grief that the gentle, kind Sosuke I fell in love with was not kind or gentle at all. I turned in disgust, angry and hot tears bursting from my eyes.

"Kotone," he said quietly.

"So why me, huh? Are you just using me like you're using everyone else?" I screamed.

"No. No, Kotone. I just wanted you to come with me."

"Why would I ever join a monster like you?" I growled.

"I thought you loved me."

"That was BEFORE I knew you were a crazy, sick bastard!"

"So you won't be joining me?"

"Absolutely not!"

"Then I'll have to dispose of you."

He drew his sword, and I instinctively reached for mine before I realized that it had been confiscated. Panicked, I looked into his eyes and saw something I was not expecting: the deepest, blackest, void I had ever seen. The emptiness of his pupil's, the loneliness he was experienced sucked even the tiniest of particles into this void in his soul.

"Sosuke," I said quietly. "What were you thinking about the night of the party?"

Surprised, he lowered his blade, whispering, "Why do you ask?"

"Just tell me before you kill me," I demanded.

He sheathed his sword, turning away from me. "I almost did it, I was about as close to death as you were just a second ago."

A boulder sank into my stomach. He couldn't be talking about…

"I was going to kill myself, Kotone," he stated harshly.

"What…?"

"It's hard, to live a life where you know that no one will ever be your equal," his voice grew louder and angrier with each word, "where no one will ever see the world from the same footing as you!"

His shouting vibrated my ribs. I stepped back, shocked.

"But I didn't, you know why? Because you were there. I had made these plans a long time ago, but I almost gave them up and decided to just end it, right then and there. But I thought of you and your love for learning and life and I thought that maybe there was another way. Maybe I could satisfy myself and keep on going for your sake. Yes, maybe you'd hate me for it, but at least I'd see your face!" His fists were clenched, his whole body trembling.

"Sosuke…" I put a hand on his shoulder. "It'll be okay, Sosuke." I wrapped my arms around him. "Don't be so upset. We'll find a way. You won't have to suffer anymore." I inhaled his familiar scent, one that was now tainted with the blood of others. "You could have just told me. You don't have to carry things like that all by yourself. No one can do that, no matter how strong. I love you, Sosuke. I have for forty years. Don't do this to yourself."

He turned and nestled his nose in my hair, his tears wetting my scalp. I doubted that anything I said changed Sosuke's naturally stubborn mind, however, he had told me that we would find each other in our deepest despairs, and I couldn't leave him disappointed. Right there, in the midst of a bloody massacre, we found each other, after forty years of wandering through clouds of uncertainty.


End file.
